Just So

this smile
my laughter
the curious way in which I see the world

you may not own it

if I gave the wrong impression
I beg pardon
I am not long on this earth
and I fumble with the social graces

my love is free
however
please be gentle when you take it
and return it
not TOO badly shaken

if you cannot do this
do not partake of me

Highbeams

in all the places we could have met
we somehow bumped shoulders here
you smiled
assured of my strength
in fact you named me so
even said the words aloud!
the fragility of my ego
tucked safely from view
the rouge and powder
a haven

when the lights go out
and the car pulls out of the drive
it’s all I have left for company
I sweep the floor
I feed the birds
I fold the laundry
the rouge
and powder
rub off

if I am strong
it is because I crumble
the walls
are only so high
I treasure the ones
who pick through the rubble
to sit with me awhile

coming or going
in the sun or in the dark
the baby cries
the potted plants grow
the bricks
fall down
around me

and you
are driving home
with the lights on

The Garden

I saved it all

lumps of wax
bits of string
cool
pasty
mud
and vials of grit

every word that ever rocked over me
every thought that ever flew through me

the wind that whistled though the cracks
left me breathless
on my knees
finished

how does one take up the pieces?
can we bring us back from there?
the cracks are so wide
the building MUST fall

I saved it all

all the trash you never wanted
all those ugly bits
stop up the cracks
just a little

I hold myself dear

Companions

it comes around again

that deep and foggy ache

a tug that starts

at the top of my head

and ends in the knot in my belly

sadness bubbles up

from my throat

and drips from the corner of my mouth

no smile here

no laughter here

I have not forgotten that life and death

go hand in hand

sitting in the dark

I dwell within it

it tolerates me

it carries me along

I am not brave enough to call it friend

Turn Around Again

slowly emerging

shaking off the muffled grim

of too tight

the wrapping

that I couldn’t breathe through

when that cool

clean

air

hit my lungs

I knew it was true

slipping down over

breasts and hips

a final kick of the foot

a gentle good riddance

to all that hoping and

that ugly yearning

I have so much to give!

you were so careful

you picked and chose

until all that love I had

turned sour

and now

I feel like running

Daughter

mommy girl

sweet honey baby

pink and tender

with your fluffy golden hair

and spindly frog legs

I find you so delectable

so very delicious

in those big baby eyes

I see fire

and oh I adore your grit

Do you know I hear you?

Do you know I see you?

I will tell you

every day

until you know it in your bones

my strong

stringy

beautiful girl

love

Sweet Baby James

little boy

my baby one

my first and only son

I see your heart break

and my heart breaks bigger

I love every bit of you

every stubborn

ornery

bit

I’m sorry

if you think I hate

the part of you that’s him

and it’s a very big part

isn’t it?

my love

I don’t

and you be angry at me

if you need to

you can even hate me

if it saves you

from even a speck of pain

I hope someday

you will see

how big my love is

baby baby baby boy

peace to you forever